Dissonance

Have been noticing that the off days have been outstripping the happy days of late. It rains all night most nights and not at all most days, with the result that normal waking hours are exceedingly hot, maddeningly humid, and curiously low on energy. People around me are doing ridiculous things. The days fly strewn with little joys and major blows. Sides of me i never realised existed are surfacing. I study stress and i study happiness, i study emotion and cognition and the relationship between them, i know the theories like the back of my hand, i see them proved, right in front of my eyes, right under my nose, even the terrible ones, even the ones i wished didn't hold true, and i can do nothing. It makes me judge ruthlessly, it makes me cry uncontrollably, it makes me grope for answers where i know there are none, but that's still not enough inspiration. What am i, intensely stupid, or frightfully hard?

There come times in your lives that you convert into milestones. There are experiences you go through that make u promise that you'll never be this way again, that u'll never do that again, that you will protect yourself fiercely henceforth from that which has burnt you this once. How much can you shield yourself again. Sooner or later, you will have to realise that all that you need to be shielded from is this very shielding behaviour. Denial. How do you deny yourself denial. It's so cosy, so snug, it protects you from anything you don't like. Why should you give it up? Why should you expose yourself to a world, and to a potential life of hypocrisy and pseudo-happiness and illusions.

I think it is more worthwhile remaining dysfunctional.