i wish...

.....i wish i could be like the skies. just open up and cry, cry, cry, non-stop, no interruption, no interference, no questions asked, for as long as i pleased. it has rained almost incessantly for two whole days now, and i'm bloody jealous. i know that when it will stop raining finally, the sky will be blue, fresh, pure, new.

......i love rain. There are few things as exuberently happy as water in free fall. Waterfalls fascinate me, and when i'm close to one, i always hope that some of its minidroplets that make it to me will somehow leave me just a little infected with the sheer freedom they come from. Maybe that's also why i sometimes stand on the balcony when the showers can't possibly get heavier, or leave the hood off the windcheater when i have to navigate through a downpour. In hope.

......Erik erikson said that in ovecoming every crisis in life, we acquire one virtue. I believe that the virtue necessarily needs to be there, or be learnt, before you can have that which you want. I only want freedom, and everyday i become more and more convinced that the prerequisite for this one is patience. What if i never learn patience? Of course, God, being God, plays this game with me, He keeps throwing the same things at me until i learn to deal with them. It has always been the case. I think it's His idea of fun. Even the Shakespearean wanton boys who kill flies for their sport would have to be asking too much if this was how much fun they wanted.

.......and i know it is all for the best. But there has to be something to be for the best. something suspended forever in the air cannot possible be. and i know i will pull myself out of this too. but how much more of the same?

.......i wish i could be more like the skies. Same dirt, same cobwebs, but cry them out every time, every season. complete, even if temporary, catharsis.