Today

Today i woke up white as a sheet fell promptly back into bed.
Today i went to college after half the day was done and fell in my own eyes when, afraid that i'd miss it, got on the bus from the wrong side.
Today i felt, not conscious, but strangely right when all eyes fixed their gaze on me when i got on the bus from the wrong side.
Today i got just a little scared of myself while discussing generalised anxiety disorder in the abnormal lecture, not because i was struck by a bout of medical student's syndrome but because it suddenly became sickeningly, excruciatingly evident how well and with what fantastic proficiency the world knows how to screw itself up.
Today in the same lecture i marveled wondrously at myself when the mention of martin seligman became a tally mark in the hope column and a negative point in the despair column, and suddenly the hope column seemed longer.
Today i wondered if i had cheated myself by stretching the hope column artificially to avoid falling into the hell i was beginning to fall into this time last year and that pretty much sabotaged my inner life by the time i was well into it.
Today i appalled myself when, as i self-administered the Rotter Locus of Control Scale in lab, i didnt know what i believed in, didnt know whether what i believed in was what i wanted to believe in, didnt know whether what i believed in what i eventually said i believed in was because it looked like what i wanted to believe in.
Today i bashed myself up for bashing myself up for overbraining things.
Today i made plans to do the things i have no energy to do.
Today i saw a thousand snails adorning a single treetrunk in the college front garden, a thousand snails suddenly come from nowhere, a thousand snails making for one of the most glorious sights i have come across in my life.
Today i decided to live life on a different level.
Today i brought more structure into my life by restructuring the things that i do have the power to structure.
Today i slept to escape once again.
Today i didn't remember my dreams.
Today i'm happy. Because i may be physically sapped and mentally scattered, but i feel alright. Because my head may be raging against all that i have fallen short of today, but my soul hasn't stopped singing. Because it knows it is more important than all the so-called screwedupness. So-called, yes. That's what it calls it. Today my soul refused, once again, to buckle to reference points. And it rejoices, while my head seethes, that it has managed to pull me its way while the whole of the rest of me tugs from the other side.